She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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