I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
