She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
