when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
