Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
