Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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