So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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