Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
