Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
a search helicopter?!
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
