MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
