Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
