I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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