Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
