she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
