Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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