I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
