remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
