She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
