i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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