I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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