i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
