So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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