Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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