I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
