he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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