I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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