I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
