I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
