I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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