you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
