what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
