My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
