It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
