ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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