wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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