I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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