she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
