1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
