Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
