i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
