Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
