So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
