He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
