I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I faked an abortion last night.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
