WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
