YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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