dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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