I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
