When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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