is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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