I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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