i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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