i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
