I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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