i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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