So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
