let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
