You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
