If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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