Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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